Funny imperiumfoedus to Tanner
Just a sample
of some kinds of emails I get.
From: John Tanner [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Monday, March 03, 2008 11:01 PM
Subject: faulty vision
i am saddened to inform
leland that the results of your eye
surgery are dismal in the least. although you see
kolor with the klarity of a klansman, your charred rods are incapable of exposing
your own niggardly soul. in your service, i am providing you an eye test.
O O N
T N. L
L T H E S K I
O N T H
E S O
some corrective lens are in order i presume. please send
$17 of your pilfered funds to one of your blind followers and apply some
brown mud to your eyes so that you may be healed just as those of old who could
only see beyond the
mark. your plywood fortresses will offer inadequate shelter from the nuclear and eternal flames that are to come. can't you see?
In Response to Mr. Tanner's
RE: Faulty Vision
Correction (Yes we understand: God looks on the soul not the
Dear Mr. Tanner, (or is it
Tanner?) Mr. Leland has shared with me
your presumptuous results of his alleged bad eye
sight. I am anxious to inform you
flaws in your prognosis, which
disqualify you from making such a prophasis. Please
do not feel alone in your wayward practice of
prescription, many a quack before
you has submitted similar nefarious reports. It is of utmost importance
that this be communicated to you, and so without further ado: It
has been recently discovered that many if not
all who became known as physicians, healers and the
like, or claim to be, or those who possessed the art of
prescribing the wonderful tapestry of remedial cures, etc, had a special
condition of Antimetathesis of the
body, although some could not
condition, others all to easily
observed it in most tense
circumstances. It would seem that this condition may
be inherent in yourself. Now we would not make claim to
such things with out
of course presenting to you some proof on the subject:
have unearthed the 4000 year old
one of the first physicians.
It has appropriately been renamed in these
modern times to:
We of course could share a way for you to
overcome this condition, but
We believe in allowing others the freedom to
choose their own way
to the principle of Agency.
We Wish You the Best, A Loyal
friend of Leland, and Seeker of Truth. email@example.com
The Prophet Joseph Smith spoke
about the skills of doctors and lawyers when he
said: "All ye doctors who are fools, not
well read, and do not understand the human constitution, stop your
practice. And all ye lawyers who have no
business, only as you hatch it up, would to God you would go to work or
run away! (October 15, 1843.)
Teachings Of The Prophet Joseph Smith page 329
óDocumentary History of the Church 6:56-59.
Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, selected and arranged by
Joseph Fielding Smith [Salt Lake City: http://www.deseretbook.com
1976 We highly recommend this book.
Remember what Joseph Smith said about the lawyers!
Sent: Thursday, March 06, 2008 1:39
Subject: Fwd: When Grandma Goes To
Freeborn i.e. parowanprophet.com
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a
question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a
Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She
responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a
boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you
cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach
the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks
her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric
To be implanted in Communist foreheads by
God fearing, hard working, freedom lovers.
Will allow the implanted person to speak to God
Comes in various
person may not get to choose their personal size.
May contain some additional
information or precious
May or may
not be painless. Some bleeding and or
may occur at
injection site. Can be tracked by most metal
5 Chips for real Smart People
security, others earned it for you.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday
in Kenya after graduating from
On a hike
through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one
leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached
it very carefully.
He got down on one
knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood
deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter
worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with
a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense
moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else
but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,
turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the
events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was
walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached
the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to
near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull
elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put
it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986,
Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter
summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into
the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in
wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him
the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who
send me those heart-warming stories.